Pimp My Beard - Season 3: Round 2

Catfish

Some things are just made to be: Rum and raisins; rhyme and reason; soldiers and syphilis; misuse of marsupials; Colgate and Val Kilmer; to be and or not to be: Sharky and George; raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, candle-lit dinners and reading from Dickens, slimy fat cabbages pickled in gin, these are a few inseparable things. And who could object to the insertion of Catfish and the murky depths into this most eminent list of binaries?

Here, never before photographed, Andrew, "Leather Chaps" Chapman, surfaces to offer a fleeting glance at the illusive Cat(fish)'s whiskers. The transcript which follows, is as faithful an interpretation of our interview as this editor could record.

This Editor: So good to finally meet you Andr... (remembering he ususally  prefers to go by his pseudonym) ... Leather Chaps. (a little nervously) It is OK to call you Leather Chaps, isn't it?

Leather Chaps: Slowly lowers his head to bring his lips into contact with the water which he gurgles into a slight froth, immediately breaking the tension.

This Editor: Indeed, you've had so many! I really had to do my research ahead of our meeting to make sure I was confident of what you were currently going by. I would have been embarrassed to have turned up today and introduced myself to "Audrey Chapburn" or "Chappel Strudel"!

Leather Chaps: Submerges to the eyebrows, the gurgling becoming a stream of bubbles that break playfully on the surface.

This Editor: No, I didn't realise you'd been "Chapping Sodbury" between "Chappel Strudel" and "Leather Chaps", that could really have caught me out. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get into the habit of giving yourself these new names with such regularity?

Leather Chaps: Remaining submerged, he paddles on the spot, his stream of bubbles becoming more intermittent.

This Editor: (understandingly) Yes, it can be.

Leather Chaps: Ascends to draw his head fully from the water, drips seeming to coagulate along the Catfish whiskers.

This Editor: Ahh, hence, "Bohemian Chapsody". And so that was it? Every six months or so a new one - "Careful, if you do it like that you're going to Chapsize the boat!", "Lady Chapperly's Lover", "Now Chaps what I call music!"

Leather Chaps: Thrashes about emitting a wet shlacking sound.

This Editor: Hahahaha! Yes, or a ribbon!

A period of hearty chuckling ensues; Leather Chaps bobbing rhythmically in the water, as this Editor gradually eases into guffaws which die away, despite threatening to break out into full scale laughter all over again -

This Editor: (collecting himself) On that note, I suppose we'd better get onto the Catfish. I take it, you weren't naturally drawn to beardery and men's grooming?

Leather Chaps: Lowers his head, this time gurgling through his nostrils.

This Editor: No, I can imagine. That's very poignant in a way.

Leather Chaps: Goes down through the gears with his gurgling, settling at a low glug.

This Editor: So, why now then for your first foray into the world of beardery? Aren't you worried that people will accuse you of jumping on the bandwagon? Of course, this is not my opinion, but I can just hear certain disgruntled beardery hopefulls complaining, "Oh he's only made it on Pimp My
 Beard© because of his rotational nomenclature!"

Leather Chaps: Draws himself up, displaying the shimmering Catfish in all its glory and holds himself there a moment.

This Editor: (wistfully) Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right.