Sunday, 17 December 2017

Pump Mr Beard - ☠ HACKED ☠ FDL TAKEOVER!

Dart Antoine, The Shit Musketeer

Caught red handed! The Lesser Spotted Braaaaning is snapped emerging from a disreputable gent's toileting facility in Highgate. What was he doing there? Well, one cannot speculate as to the likely sordid and despicable nature of each of the 36mins, 28 secs he idled there. But this much we, the FACIAL DEFENCE LEAGUE, were able to establish about the duplicitous actions of the self-styled beardery vigilante. 1. On entering said facilities, full beard. 2. On leaving said facilities, Dart Antoine. Coincidence?                                         
Thanks to sources obtained on the beardery underground, the FDL has now been able to reconstruct this series of events, by the ultimate revelation of which, readers may find themselves too disgusted to read on (were the article to continue). 

Through its murky network of intelligence operatives, the infamous Browning's Beard Boys, PMB© had learnt of an illustrated abridged version of Alexandre Dumas' "The Three Musketeers" that was kept, for reasons unknown but scandalously imaginable, in the end cubicle of the aforementioned Highgate gents' lav. How long it remained there before its discovery by the beige-shirted BBB, it is not possible to know. However, once sniffed out by the tentacular proboscis of the ever-olfactory BBB, it was only a matter of time before Braaaning infiltrated the pine and piss scented conveniences to get his avaricious, condensation moistened fingers on the unfortunate volume. Using a compact men's grooming set hidden in a stuffed owl that he'd slipped past the absent lavatory attendant, the beard burglar went about his shameful business. Hastily forging the fourth Musketeer's suave stylings about his own chops, Dart Antoine was born. 


Dart Antoine plots his next expedition to Slovenia
The motive for such vain-glorious larceny? Mowvember. That's right, Your Editor, Mr Silk Chinned Integrity himself has finally SOLD OUT. He, who stood tallest against the tide of propaganda that taught society to ogle beards as novel curios worn by attention seeking eccentrics, now prowls public lavatories to participate in its ultimate pageant, Mowvember. While the FDL has nothing against charitable ventures, it cannot support any movement which seeks to reduce beardery to an empty symbol of inane frivolity. Groomliness is Greatliness. The FDL will not tire in its crusade to expose those who despoil the beard and prostitute the tache, no matter the height from which they have fallen (Braaaning). PMB©, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED  
Here's another one of Braaaning looking like a right tart