Pimp My Beard - Season 3: Round 3

Monkey Business

The brightest burn shortest, it is often said, and for all but a few of the most eminent in the field of men's grooming, time at the top is notoriously short. Even the great Quinn, co-author of the Progressive Men's Grooming Manifesto, has yet to register a top 50 trending facial since signing a lucrative contract with an exclusive Turkish Barber's back in 2012. In beardery terms, it's simply rare for a new kid on the block to have staying power. But Gavin "Humongous" Finney is out to do just that. And he's taking no prisoners!

Mere months ago Finney sent shockwaves through the beardery community with his facial assault on the Fat Cats of the business community. The offices of PMB© have since been inundated with currency themed submissions as countless doppleganging disciples attempt to replicate and pay homage to Finney's groundbreaking new look. It was with no little anticipation therefore that this Editor looked up from his desk, alerted to Finney's approach by the merengue of coins in his pockets, which his newly adopted swagger had induced to dance. "What's popping, cracker?" He said, using slang. Unaccustomed to this form of address, yet used to moving with the times (as one must in this line of business!), I fired back, "What up, bitch?" It seemed to be received well and we completed an elaborate handshake before Finney sat down.

Finney: Monkey Business 2016

Only then did I have time to contemplate what he'd brought with him on his face. He noticed my eyes doing loop-the-loop as they traced the spiral of his helter skelter beardery. "Calm, innit?" He said. This slang even sounded as if it came from the current decade; I was going to struggle: "Yes... bruv". Finney continued, "Something switched after Common Cents.  Before, I was just like any other of the Guildford man dem, but now  I got bare youths coming up to me saying I'm a boss and wanting to tickle my chin." I replied hesitantly, unwittingly giving the words an interrogative inflection, "Right on." Finney was unphased, he went on, "Got all dem skets trying to get with me but man can't think bout nuffin but beardery. You get me?" I wasn't entirely sure that I did, but I said I did anyway, "Right on." I made mental note not to over do it with the right ons as Finney came to the point. "All my squad tried to do Euro signs in their beards for Brexit. I told them they were aiight, but  really I was like, those are some moist beards! An I ain't in the biz to get associated with no moist beards." - "Word." I chipped in, feeling like I was starting to get the hand of this. "Is that why you decided to sculpt a dope new beard?" Finney sat back in his chair and interlaced his fingers saying, "Gotta stay ahead of the game, fam."

A short silence was enjoyed as we both contemplated this simple beardery truth. My eyes started to spiral in toward the vortex on Finney's chin again before I snapped them away, chiding myself lest I lose my professional approach. "Why the monkey tail? Why Monkey Business?" I asked. Finney shrugged and smiled, "What can I say, I'm the king of the swingers, man." Although thinking to myself that this was a very cool thing to say, I didn't appreciate the full mischief of the remark until I read in the next day's papers that shortly after our interview, Finney had competed in a head to head mix-off with Goldie in a fashionable London nightclub (see pictures of the event below). There he was crowned the undisputed Jungle VIP.